Jack's Electric Bicycle

Kmart, Maj. Gray chutney and the new Schwinn Suburban Commando Assault Bicycle

I wouldn’t dare leave the e-bike outside at our local Kmart. The local criminals would probably strip it bare in 30 seconds, even if it was locked up.

But today I came up with what I thought was a clever idea – I would just roll the bike right inside the store and politely ask the clerk if I could lock it up outside in the fenced garden department. The bike would be out of everyone’s way in a secure area, allowing me to spend a little cash. It’s what they call a win-win situation. What could go wrong?

When I walked through the door with my e-bike, the clerk looked at me like I had just dumped a bucket of rotten fishheads and dog shit on the floor.

I smiled and explained that I just needed to lock it up in the garden area so I could do some shopping. My request seemed so reasonable that I was confident he would wave me through.

No! No! No! Bikes are not allowed in the store! He was apologetic, but almost frantic. Apparently I had violated some sacred Kmart policy. The clerk looked a little scared, like the mere fact that I was already in the store with my bike could get him fired.

I didn’t want to make a scene, so I said “no problem” and quickly exited. I figure working as a clerk at Kmart sucks enough as it is without some nerd on a bike giving you lip.

Still, I was pretty pissed off about it. My request seemed reasonable and there was no reason to deny it.

Maybe I was a little sensitive, because this insult came after a visit to Safeway in search of some Major Gray chutney, which I thought would spice up the “almond crusted turkey patties” I made the night before. I looked and looked, but I couldn’t find a bicycle rack or even post that I could get my U-lock around.

One of the town’s major grocery stores doesn’t have a bicycle rack? No surprise. Most places don’t. You’re not supposed to going shopping on a bicycle. Bicycles are exercise machines. You’re supposed to be “normal” and use a car.

So I ended up locking the wheel to the frame near a box pumpkins. That probably wasn’t a good idea, but I really wanted some chutney. Alas, Safeway didn’t have any.

When I got home, I decided it was time to finish a project I started about a month ago – fixing up a Schwinn Suburban that I will keep at my downtown office and use a “beater bike” for visiting shitholes like Kmart. (Note: I wrote about this before on this blog, but I had technical problems and deleted the post after a couple days.)


(Here's a 1973 Suburban. Check out that dude's riding outfit on the right! Nice belt.)


I bought the Suburban at a thrift store for $11. It’s a very sensible men’s 5-speed bike with fenders, a big seat with springs and old-fashion handlebars. It’s a little rusty, but it came with new tires. Actually, I bet they’re old tires that were simply never ridden on.

Originally I planned to take it apart and fully refurbish it with fresh paint and new brake cables. But after today’s Kmart experience, I had a change of plans.

I dismantled the hubs and greased the bearings. I cleaned the chain, oiled everything and pumped up the tires. The front wheel has a “flat spot” which causes the tire to bulge out when inflated. So, temporarily, I placed front wheel from another bike on the Suburban.

Tonight I took it for a short spin. It works fine, but needs some brake adjustments. Also, I need to locate a used 27 inch front wheel – either super cheap or free.

The rust will remain. Consider it theft deterrent.

On a side note, I like the name “Schwinn Suburban.” It sounds manly. I think I’ll call it the “Suburban” for short, or the “Schwinn Suburban Commando Assault Bicycle.”

posted by Jack Durham @ 9:07 PM